The Legend of Quick Draw McGraw
by TheNewIdea
Summary: You've all heard of Billy the Kid, Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday. But what about Quick Draw McGraw? This is the legend that you haven't heard. The story that is just as humorous as it is full of adventure. Packed full of references and making a few of it's own, this is one for the books. Rated T for violence, alcohol use, sexual references, black comedy and referential humor.
1. Prologue

Prologue

May 25th, 1865 11:00pm

El Paso, Texas

Quick Draw McGraw lay on his deathbed on a rainy Saturday night in a cold, dark hotel room. His attendant came into the room with a small bowl of water and a rag, walking over to the bed; she gently began rubbing water on the horse's head, periodically dipping the rag in the water to keep it moist. "Thank you" Quick Draw said his voice hoarse and raspy. The attendant nodded, gently kissed his head and lit the candle on the nightstand.

A few minutes later, Babba Looey and Snuffles came in; their heads hung low to the ground and whimpering as they approached the bed. Quick Draw smiled as he saw his closest friends, "Hey now" he said, "don't be so glum! Only a part of life is all." Babba Looey returned his smile, "Si Quick Draw. Only a part of life..." Snuffles continued his whimpering and licked Quick Draw's hand, "Don't worry Snuffles" Quick Draw said reassuringly, "Soon I'll be with God, and you can have all the biscuits you can eat." Normally this would make the dog yap excitedly at the prospect of food, but now it only made him sad at the thought that Quick Draw wouldn't be there to give him any or to scold him his over satisfaction.

Quick Draw began to breathe heavily, causing both Babba and Snuffles to have minor heart attacks. The attendant came back in, holding a tray of a pills and the water bowl. "Excuse me Senor" she said to Bubba, who moved aside, "Gracias" she replied. Babba tipped his sombrero in response, the attendant left the room, saying nothing else.

Soon after this, Quick Draw's son, who was also named Quick Draw McGraw, came in the room; he was almost identical to his father, complete with blue bandana and cowboy hat. "Come here boy" Quick Draw said, "I want to give you something." Quick Draw Jr. laughed, "Come on Pa, you don't have to give me anything. You've done enough." Quick Draw shook his head, "Now I don't need your protesting. I just need you to take this." Quick Draw pulled out his gun and gun belt, along with his sheriff badge. "What's this for?" his son asked, "You're the sheriff now" Quick Draw answered, "You have to continue the legend son." Quick Draw also pulled out a small leather bound book; it was a journal, "My life story. You should read it sometime. It's a good read. I tried to have it published, but no one would take it." Quick Draw Jr. took the gun, the belt and the journal and walked over to the corner of the room to grab a chair. Quick Draw Jr. sat in the chair and turned to the first page of the journal, "Skipping most of my early years for that's not what you want to hear right now..." He stared at his father in disbelief, "You actually wrote this?" Quick Draw laughed at his own joke, "Yup. I figured if people ever wanted to read my story, they wanted the good stuff. So I gave them the good stuff."

Bubba Looey walked over to Jr. and read the first line over his shoulder, "Well I'll be damned. It really does say that!" Bubba laughed, "Good old Quick Draw, always the jokester." Quick Draw laughed once more and begged his son to continue, "Would you mind reading it? I tend to forget things from time to time." Jr. smiled and complied with his father's wishes. "The day I came to El Paso, Texas was perhaps the worst day of my life, for starters I met Bubba Looey..."


	2. Tumbleweeds

Chapter One

Tumbleweeds

June 25th, 1835

Del Rio De Santa, Texas 10:00am

Quick Draw McGraw came into town on his faithful horse Georges, as nothing more than a simple drifter looking for a place to stay and something to do. It was during this time that the sheriff of Del Rio De Santa, a man by the name of Terry Jones, was squaring off with the notorious Dirty Dalton Gang, namely Dinky and his brother Dirty. "You boys goanna come quietly?" Jones said, "Or am I goanna have to make you?" Dinky and Dirty laughed, "Right. Good one sheriff, us coming quietly!" Dirty replied, "Who do you think we are?" Jones shrugged and the straight answer, "Incredibly stupid." Jones was met with gunfire and two bullets in his chest, Jones wasn't dead, at least not yet, but he was pretty close.

Quick Draw lazily walked over, his guns drawn and hat tilted to one side, "Now what's going here" he said to Dirty who was almost too busy gloating over Jones to notice McGraw. Dinky however, saw the horse and began laughing, "Hey Dirty, look at this" Dinky began, "It's a horse with a gun." Quick Draw huffed and let off three rapid fire shots from the gun in his right hand, "I resent that remark sir" Quick Draw replied, "Now I say again, What is going on here?" Dirty and Dinky both furrowed their eyebrows and aimed their guns at Quick Draw, "Just a dispute between us and the sheriff. Now if you don't mind we'd like to finish the job." Quick Draw remained motionless, standing between the brothers and Jones, "Sorry" he said, "Can't do that. Why don't you go pick on somebody...you know, more on your level." Dirty and Dinky looked at Quick Draw with confused looks, "What do you mean 'more on our level'?" Quick Draw smiled smugly and laughed, to his right he saw a tumbleweed, "Like that tumbleweed for instance." Quick Draw aimed his left gun at the tumbleweed and fired off three more rounds, sending the tumbleweed in the air after each one, eventually the tumbleweed continued its roll down the street. "Well" Quick Draw concluded, "Go get it boys. That's your man, not this poor sheriff."

Dinky and Dirty laughed their heads off, "This guy's serious isn't he?" Dinky whispered to his brother, "I'd say he's mental!" Dirty replied, trying his best not to laugh. Quick Draw however, heard this and aimed both of his guns at the brothers, "Don't worry boys. I've got a gun for each of yah!" Dinky and Dirty fired wildly but hit nothing. Quick Draw fired two shots, both of them hitting their marks in the right and left legs of the Dinky and Dirty respectively. "You'll regret this" Dirty replied, "Whoever you are." Quick Draw sheathed his guns and answered him, "Me? I'm just a lonely drifter. No one special really, just...Quick Draw McGraw." Dirty and Dinky limped away towards the city limits.

Quick Draw knelt down next to Jones, who was bleeding and barely alive, "You" Jones said, "saved me." Quick Draw smiled meekly, "I didn't do anything sir" he answered, "Just doing what any good citizen would do." Jones nodded and took off his badge, "Good" Jones continued, "Because you're the new sheriff." Jones then took his last breath. Quick Draw then closed the sheriff's eyes and gave him his last rites, "Mama take this badge from me...I can't use it anymore. So bury me not out on the lonely prairie, for I'm knocking on Heaven's door."

It was then that Babba Looey appeared from a barber shop. Quick Draw looked at the sheriff's badge, and set it down on Jones' body, "Sorry Sheriff" Quick Draw said to himself, "but I'm not that kind of guy." Babba Looey stared at Quick Draw and for some reason developed an interest in him, "Senor Jones is dead" Babba Looey exclaimed, causing Quick Draw to look up at him, "I'm sorry...who are you?" Babba Looey extended his hand, which Quick Draw took as he stood up, "Me?" Babba answered, "I'm the barber, name's Babba Looey." Quick Draw huffed, "George Quick Draw McGraw." Babba laughed, "You're first name is George! What kind of name is that?" Quick Draw slapped Babba in the face, knocking him to the ground, Quick Draw leaned down in the mule's face, "Don't you ever make fun of my name!" he sneered, "It was my father's name. My grandfather's name. Both of them were heroes where they came from and I intend to honor them with the upmost respect...but most people call me Quick Draw."

Babba Looey stood up and wiped himself off, "So you're the new sheriff eh? Well congratulations gringo." Quick Draw groaned, "I ain't a sheriff!" he cried," Just a simple drifter looking for a bed, some cheese and a beer. Is that so much to ask for?" Babba immediately pulled a plate full of cheese, an entire keg of cold beer and a key to a hotel room. "There you go Senor Quick Draw" Babba exclaimed, "Some cheese, a lot of beer and a bed." Quick Draw stared at Babba as if he had lost his mind, "You poisoned it didn't you? The beer and the cheese." Babba laughed and looked around innocently, "What are you talking about? I'm a barber not an assassin." Quick Draw nodded, "Uh-huh. And I suppose when I get up to that room there won't be an psycho killer waiting behind the door, a sniper on the adjacent rooftop waiting for me to open the window or Heaven forbid, a sex crazed bitch who-" Quick Draw stopped himself, for the last part would actually be a good thing, in his mind at least. Babba simply laughed at Quick Draw's paranoia, "You're loco that's what you are."

Quick Draw sat down and began eating the cheese and drinking the beer, he was done with half of the keg in minutes, "Damn" Babba exclaimed, "That was enough for fifty men Senor." Quick Draw looked up at Babba and smiled, "I've been wandering for days without a drop of anything. I think I can... Do what I want sir." Quick Draw leaned back and forth, losing his balance and falling on his side, "Babba. Get me my coat, its cold outside." Babba chuckled to himself at Quick Draw's request, for the horse was obviously drunk and it was the middle of summer. "I like this guy" Babba said to himself, "he's silly."

Babba sat Quick Draw up to the best of his ability and attempted to pull the horse to his feet. Quick Draw steadied himself and stared at Babba, "I don't need you!" he yelled, for he was a yeller when he got drunk, "I don't need anybody!" Quick Draw then began laughing hysterically and drunkenly walked over to the inn, only to collapse at the door, fast asleep.

10:30pm That Same Day

Quick Draw woke up in a warm hotel room. Looking around, Quick Draw noticed that the room was small; to the right of the bed was a small nightstand with a lantern. To the left of the bed was a window looking out towards the street. Babba Looey was sitting in chair across from the bed, patiently waiting for Quick Draw to wake up. "Where am I?" Quick Draw asked as he slowly recovered from a hangover. Babba simply smiled and answered, "You're in a bed Senor. I thought that was pretty obvious." Quick Draw huffed; _"Great"_ he thought to himself, _"He's one of those people!"_ Quick Draw sat up and put on his hat which was on the floor next to the nightstand, "I meant where am I you dunderhead? As in the town, the overall general area of which I am occupying?" Babba rolled his eyes, "Well then why didn't you just say so? You're in Del Rio De Santa, the most lawless town in the West." Quick Draw raised his eyebrows at this, "Even worse than Tombstone?" Babba laughed at this, "Tombstone! Tombstone! Are you serious gringo? Tombstone is a cake walk compared to this place. We've got five people with vendettas on their heads. Old debts never repaid thanks to their ancestors being bandits almost fifty seven years ago back when there was actually a decent lawman in this godforsaken town and the bandits dared attack this place just to see if they could do it." Quick Draw stood up from the bed and gingerly scratched his head, "They don't attack this place now?" Babba nodded in agreement, "Si they do. But now they do because they know they can. They've become bold Senor Quick Draw, bold and fierce men with no souls."

Quick Draw sighed for it was obvious that Babba was trying to rope him into the sheriff position, "Senor" Quick Draw said in his best Spanish accent, border lining on slight racism, "I have no intention of ever becoming of how you people say a 'gringo'. I just want to be a simple American. That's all, nothing more and nothing less." Babba laughed at Quick Draw's phrase, "You have no idea what gringo means do you?" Quick Draw nodded his head, "No I don't. What's it mean?" Babba laughed even harder than before, "And that's why you're a gringo Senor." Quick Draw stared at Babba curiously, "I've got my eye on you Mister. I'll be watching you...really, really close." Babba huffed, "Sure you will-" he turned back towards Quick Draw to find the horse's eyes bulging straight at him, "Very closely Senor" Quick Draw replied, "Very, very, very closely!" Babba sighed in annoyance and poked Quick Draw's eyes before heading towards the door, "Stupid gringo" Babba laughed as he shut the door.

Quick Draw lay back down on the bed to try and get some more sleep, planning to be out of town the next morning.


	3. Reluctance

Chapter Two

Reluctance

Jr. looked up from the journal and stared at his father, "Really Dad?" he asked, "Is that how you guys met?" Quick Draw nodded, "Yep. That's how we met. You don't think I would lie would you?" Jr. shook his head, "No of course not Pa...It's just so funny is all, I mean you were ridiculous. How did they let you become sheriff again?" Quick Draw gave a short laugh at this, "Now that is a story. One that's written down in that damned journal boy! Now get reading, I wanna remember my own life when I die." Jr. sighed and looked over it again, "Pa which is it? You said El Paso the first time and then you said Del Rio De Santa. So which is it?" Babba turned towards Quick Draw in surprise, "Really Quick Draw? Really?" Babba turned towards Jr. and motioned for the journal, "I better read this" he said, "I can tell you what really happened. Quick Draw probably dramatized it." Quick shook his head, "I did not! You even looked over it you dirty bastard, you said it was accurate." Babba groaned and leaned in towards Jr. "Your father is an idiot. Thank God you're not like him eh?" Jr. stifled a laugh, "He's kinda a loop."

At that moment Snuffles' mate and Miss Daisy, Quick Draw's wife, came in the room. Sitting down in a chair next to Babba, Miss Daisy turned to Quick Draw, "How are we doing?" Quick Draw smiled warmly, "Much better actually. Much, much better now that you're here darling." Snuffles gingerly walked over to his mate and rested his head on her body, she simply smiled and wagged her tail happily, content to be with him.

Babba looked around the room, everyone was begging with their eyes for him to continue. Babba sighed and began to read, "The whole week was spent watching Babba Looey. I didn't know if I could trust him yet, so I just decided to follow through with my promise. Come to think of it, I think I may have taken it a little too seriously..."

Friday, That Same Week 8:30am

Quick Draw stayed in town for three more days, sticking to his word his kept one eye on Babba Looey at all times. Even when he was sleeping, Babba always felt as if he was being watched, on those occasions Babba would cry out, "I can see you Senor Quick Draw. You are perhaps the worst hide and seek player in the entire world." In response Quick Draw would throw his hat to the ground, "Damn it!" he would cry, only to pick up his hat and straighten himself upright. Quick Draw would then laugh to himself, agreeing with Babba's statement, "And doon't you forget it!" then Quick Draw would walk away and leave Babba alone for the time being.

It eventually got to a point where Quick Draw was bothering Babba in his barber shop for what would have been the seventh time that day when Babba snapped, "Alright Senor" Babba said turning around towards Quick Draw who was staring at him through the window, "You want to watch something..." Babba set down his straight razor and walked outside, "Come with me." Quick Draw shrugged, "Where we going Senor?" Babba got on his horse, Patricia and led her down the street, "Get your horse Quick Draw." Quick Draw whistled for Georges and once mounted, turned towards Babba again, "So where are we going?" he asked more pressingly. Babba rolled his eyes, "I'm taking you to a place where few men dare to go, El cementerio de los perdidos, maldita y el sufrimiento." Quick Draw scratched his head in confusion, for he understood little Spanish, "What's that mean Babba?" he asked, for the first time using the mule's name. Babba shook his head, "You'll see McGraw. You'll see."

Babba Looey led Quick Draw to the outskirts of town and towards a large cliff, at the bottom of which was a small hut. Dismounting their horses, they carefully made their way down the cliff side and up against the side of the hut. "What is this place?" Quick Draw asked, "This is one of the Dalton Gang's hideouts Quick Draw. I found it one morning when I was taking Loretta grazing." Quick Draw raised his eyebrows, "Loretta?" Babba Looey nodded, "Si. I have a small farm just outside town. Loretta is my cow; I also have a bull, Horace. But that's not important right now." The slam of a door caused them to look towards the hut.

Dirty appeared from the hut carrying a body bag over his shoulder and whistling to himself. Quick Draw drew his guns but Babba calmed him down, "Don't get antsy Senor Quick Draw" he said, "just watch. Don't worry; you'll get your chance." Quick Draw grumbled, "I wasn't going to shoot him!" he replied, "That would imply that I...that I..." Bubba rolled his eyes, "That you're sheriff." Quick Draw nodded, "Yeah that I'm sheriff, but I ain't Babba Looey. I can't be sheriff...I'm not the committed kind of person. I'm a no good, lazy, deadbeat who's just trying to a carefree life." Babba sighed deeply, "There's no such thing as a carefree life Quick Draw. For if there was then we'd all be dead. Now shut up and look." Quick Draw and Babba looked on as Dirty emptied the body bag, dumping the body in a hole before disappearing back into the hut.

Babba Looey motioned for Quick Draw to come forward; getting low on the ground the duo approached the hole. Looking at the ditch, Quick Draw and Babba saw numerous bodies, "This is what we're dealing with" Babba whispered, "We have to stop them before the whole town ends up in this grave Quick Draw...So what do you say? Will you be our sheriff?" Quick Draw stared at the bodies; all of them had white dead eyes and faces stricken with fear in their final moments. Quick Draw shook his head in disgust, "I'm sorry Babba" Quick Draw said, "But I just can't." Quick stood up to leave, but Babba stopped him, no longer afraid of Dirty reappearing, "So you're just going to leave us all to die is that it? You're just goanna find yourself a bar whore, knock her up; have a few drinks and leave. Move on to the next town and do the same thing?" Quick Draw said nothing and made his way back to the horses.

He found Georges practically on top of Patricia, going at it as if she were his last ride out. Quick Draw upon seeing this rushing over to pull him off, "Damn it Georges not again!" Quick Draw got directly in Georges face, "Every time we go someplace you just have to go and jump on the first mare you see don't yah?" Georges nodded in response and licked Quick Draw playfully. "Now, don't give me that!" Quick Draw continued, "you gotha have a bit of self control with women Georges. You can't drink the water without trending it first you big idiot!" Georges smiled sheepishly and licked Quick Draw again; Quick Draw gave him a death stare causing Georges to shrink back a bit.

Quick Draw immediately softened up, "I can never stay mad at you can I?" Georges shook his head in agreement as Quick Draw gave a hearty laugh. "Come on then" he said as he mounted up, "Let's go get some whiskey." Georges rolled his eyes and looked up towards Quick Draw as he walked back towards town, "I prefer beer actually" he replied. Quick Draw hit Georges on the head, "What did I tell you about talking! Don't do it. It's already bad enough that I have to ride you everywhere I go." Georges laughed, "Why is that because you're a horse?" Quick Draw cringed, for he did not like that word, "Don't say that!" he cried, "Say what?" Georges asked, Quick Draw sighed and rolled his eyes, "You know...the word." Georges huffed, "I can't say horse?" Quick Draw cringed again and nodded, "Yes. You can't say the H word." Georges stifled a laugh and remained silent.

Babba Looey came up on Patricia, riding hard towards Quick Draw, who upon seeing Babba Looey, spurring Georges and entered town faster than a locomotive. "Get back here you bastard!" Babba cried, "I need to talk to yah!" But Quick Draw was already long gone.


End file.
